Bad Mommy...?

There's a feeling I have, that I'm a bad mother.  I say I don't know where it comes from, but I know.  I'm jealous, and I don't feel like I'm good enough.  I have such high hopes of things I can do for my kids but then something comes up and it doesn't work out.
I wanted to get my son a bike for his birthday but then I had to pay for his birthday party and such instead so I couldn't afford it right then.  I'm trying to get things for Christmas and their father tells me that he is getting my daughter a Nook, and my son his bike.  I was excited to get good deals on some American Girl doll things on Ebay, and he's buying her a Nook.  But he can't pay me the full amount of child support he's supposed to and tells me not to go after him for the full amount because that would be petty...when he has his girlfriend living with him to help cover the bills and I'm doing it alone.  The child support I get covers the daycare amount, but I'm doing everything else on my own, school lunches, school clothes, book orders, fundraisers, school pictures, winter gear, Halloween costumes...why would it be petty to go after what my kids deserve?!
My kids get shafted on time with him on a constant basis.  They see him maybe once a week if his schedule allows it, and only stay with him one weekend a month.  The 2 days off when he has them it picks them up the first day in the afternoon after school and drops them off to school the next day, and that is all the time he spends with them.  Out of 48 hrs, they see him from 330pm-900am...but to hear him talk he misses them so much, can't wait to see them, etc etc etc...and they get 17 hrs of his time...10 of which they are sleeping.
This weekend is a perfect example.  It was his wkend for them, and if he'd done it like normal he would have picked them up about 330-400 on Friday afternoon and I'd have gotten them back at 400 on Sunday.  But this weekend there was a retirement party he had to do on Saturday, so his solution was to pick them up after work on Thursday at 700pm and then drop them back off on Saturday at 1030am after Maddi's Girl Scout Investiture Ceremony(which they were late for).  They are in bed by 900 so Thursday wasn't much, and at school or care all day friday so it was the same there.  So they spent 2 hrs Thur we'll say depending on when they went to sleep, we'll say 8 hrs on Fri just depending on when they woke up and went to sleep, and 2 hrs on Sat with him....12 hrs of time with him...when they should have had well over 20 full waking hours with him.

So why do I feel like a bad mother??  Why am I so sure they love him more than me??  Why do I feel like the bad guy??  I am the first to tell you I'm awesome and amazing and everything cheeky under the sun I can think of, but I don't really believe it, and probly never will.

And to top it off, I have to leave them with him for a week while I go to Texas to fight for my military career, which I'll probly lose.
I thought things were supposed to be getting better, but it doesn't feel like they are.

This is Me...kinda

I can not think of a way to tell you about myself that is not super cheesy so I pulled this off my FB, it's 30 Random Things but I'll try to make it into something a little more. So, I'm gonna do something a lil different with it and see what happens.

1. I was born in Overland Park, Kansas (basically Kansas City, but the good side, not the side that's in Missouri lol)...so yes I am a diehard Kansas City Chiefs fan, I also like the Royals but don't follow them much. I am not into Kansas college sports but if I have to pick and they are one of them then I will pick them over the other team, unless it's LSU and then...I am a diehard LSU Tigers fan and I also go for the New Orleans Saints.

2. My parents divorced when I was young, not sure the exact age but around the 1st grade, and my mom remarried when I was in 6th grade, I don't remember when my biological dad remarried but he's remarried as well.

3. I worked at Hardee's for 3 yrs, Damon's Sport Bar and Grill for a year and with my mom for a bunch of yrs as well before leaving for the Air Force less than 3 wks after I finished High School. I've rarely looked back.

4. I have naturally brown hair, and blue eyes, but I've been dying my hair red for a while now and I feel like it suits me pretty good, but I do miss my old blond highlights. I love my hair short but sometimes I wish I could deal with the in between stage to see what it'd look like long again...

5. I met my ex husband when I was 18(just about to turn 19 though lol), we got married when I was 20, and I had my daughter right after I turned 21. My son came along just over 4 yrs later when I was 25. We got divorced last year when I was 28 and he was just turning 30.

6. I love to read and love that my kids have picked up that love for reading as well. I have a few authors that I prefer to read but I branch out every once in a while as well. Sitting with a cup of coffee, under a blanket on a rainy or foggy morning with a book in my hands is definitely high on my list of great ways to spend a few hours or a whole day depending on my mood.

7. My favorite colors are pink and blue.

8. I believe I have cute feet, even if I've recently started wondering if they're proportionate to the rest of my body.

9. I grew up in Wisconsin but I hate the Packers with an absolute passion, I can handle the Badgers but I'm not real big on the whole "Brew Crew" thing...

10. I loved my time in England and I would go back in a heart beat. I'd love to retire there if I can swing it.

11. My dad got diagnosed with cancer last year (2011), he's not going to be one of those success stories, and it really sucks.

12. I find myself not reacting like I should to things and I often wonder why. I feel like I am kind of putting myself in a box or something and that I'm holding myself back from the things that I really should be feeling and instead am focusing on feeling stuff that I really shouldn't be too concerned with. In the grand scheme of things Netflix splitting and charging for both services is not that big of a deal...ya know...not when I have Crohn's, my dad has cancer and I'm facing getting kicked out of the military for said Crohn's...

13. I have a love of Paris, London, Fairies, wine and pink that goes beyond the rational...as anyone who's been in my home can attest to!

14. I think I'm going to start having seasonal projects. I painted some tables pink last fall. Along with my old baby cradle that is now my daughters...so I think this year I'm gonna attempt something else. Try to become a little more well rounded or something like they always say...we'll see how that works out for me!

15. I use the ! a lot and ya know what I really don't care what anyone thinks of it so there!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

16. My favorite band is Alabama, after seeing them on TV when I was in 2nd grade. I got to see them in concert for their farewell tour. Any other chance I get to see them will be taken if I am at all able.

17. I am scared of the dark.

18. I am happy at where I am at in life right now. Yes I'm divorced. Yes I'm a single mom. Yes I have crohn's and face getting kicked out of the military. But I have great friends to lean on when I need them. I know I've seen more of the world than some people back home can only dream of seeing. Things could always be better, but where I'm at right now is pretty damn good for me.

19. I live for my kids. I have given up so much for them and I don't regret one bit of it. But now, I'm adding in living for me as well. Because if I'm not truly happy with our life then I can't help them be truly happy with our life either.

20. The 2 times I was in the hospital for Crohn's were really not the best days. I survived them, and I know I'll survive the rest that happen. I'm just taking it day by day.

21. I have FINALLY decided what I want to be when I grow up! Now I need to go about making that a reality. I will not let anything stand in my way of doing everything in my power to make this dream a reality.

22. I have 7 piercings. 6 in my ears and 1 in my chest. I would love to have my nose pierced but being in the military I can't. Bummed.

23. I absolutely despise hypocrites. I will call you out on it if you are being one as well so don't think you're safe because you're not.

24. I have 6 tattoos. I'm gonna go with 7 because I just added to 1 on my left wrist to make it a "bracelet" looks more like it's a cuff bracelet though. It's not the same as the 1 on the inside of my wrist even though it completes the circle if you will. And I'm going to get so many more it's insane.

25. The British accent is the sexiest accent, hands down! I adore accents, any and all. My favorites are British, Southern, and Australian, then any and all other European accents.

26. I love almost everyone because everyone deserves to be loved. If I ever loved you in the past I will love you now and in the future. Being in love with someone is a completely different story. I was "in love" once. I do not regret anything that happened as I know it's made me who I am this very day. But it was not what it should have been. And it is not what I will have in the future.

27. You can have a type. It's ok to have a type, it's not being shallow or snobby. This is your life and you should live it however you choose to. But when you do go against the type that you've always gone for before don't make that person feel second rate. You choose them over anyone that was your type...that in itself speaks volumes.

28. I love squishy weird faced dogs. I will not be the crazy cat lady, I would be the crazy squishy weird faced dog lady. And I'm ok with that. Besides, we just found out Maddi's allergic to cats so we may never get to have cats, ever...sigh.

29. This took me over 2 mths to complete because I procrastinate a lot. I was also on leave for 3 weeks, and working the 2-10 shift for 3 wks when I got back so finally taking the time to get this out there. I was just gonna put it half blank but then I just came up with some stuff.

30. I have no idea what to put here. But I don't wanna leave it blank...

I'm working on it...

So I'm working on an About Me kind of post and who knew it'd be hard for me to talk about me!?

Laugh all you want, I do like to talk, but trying to think of things that need to be said about myself for someone who doesn't know me isn't very easy.  You'd know this if you've done it before.

But yes I am working on it, I haven't just started this thing and then forgotten about it.  I have made some headway and I try to make it a point to put something into it every night this past week.  I think I might try to do an at least once a week post for sure and then just whenever I'm really steamed about something I can do that too, but not sure just yet, we'll see how this all goes...

Oh and did I mention we've been working forever and a day it seems?!  I finally got some time off and I spent it napping some, lots of laundry, and letting the kids run off some energy since they've been stuck with daycare providers more than they've actually seen me the last week or two.

I'll do more work on the post tomorrow but I have to do dreaded shoe shopping tomorrow and I really hope to find some shoes, can't really be in a wedding without any shoes...although...it is outside so maybe...naw I'll go look at shoes.  And Madagascar 3 with the minions tomorrow afternoon, at least I know Ethan really wants to see it so hopefully we'll not have a repeat of the last one(Men in Black 3...not sure why I thought he'd sit still for that one)...

Ok...so I'm gonna put a few more lines in my about me thing ma bob and then head to bed, doc appt in the morning, not exactly sure what it's about but hey all that medical stuff...yea that's another post I'll be working on shortly too ;-)

I always said I was going to...

Well this is a whole new world to me.
Over the last year I've said I'm just going to create a blog so I can say whatever I want.
So I did, I guess.
I'm probly going to be really bad at this.
But I'm going to try it out and see how it goes.

I'll post something more in-depth about myself in the next few days.
Big picture items:
I'm Air Force and proud to be.
I'm a single mom and proud to be.
I have Crohn's Disease, working on that proud to be.