There's a feeling I have, that I'm a bad mother. I say I don't know where it comes from, but I know. I'm jealous, and I don't feel like I'm good enough. I have such high hopes of things I can do for my kids but then something comes up and it doesn't work out.
I wanted to get my son a bike for his birthday but then I had to pay for his birthday party and such instead so I couldn't afford it right then. I'm trying to get things for Christmas and their father tells me that he is getting my daughter a Nook, and my son his bike. I was excited to get good deals on some American Girl doll things on Ebay, and he's buying her a Nook. But he can't pay me the full amount of child support he's supposed to and tells me not to go after him for the full amount because that would be petty...when he has his girlfriend living with him to help cover the bills and I'm doing it alone. The child support I get covers the daycare amount, but I'm doing everything else on my own, school lunches, school clothes, book orders, fundraisers, school pictures, winter gear, Halloween costumes...why would it be petty to go after what my kids deserve?!
My kids get shafted on time with him on a constant basis. They see him maybe once a week if his schedule allows it, and only stay with him one weekend a month. The 2 days off when he has them it picks them up the first day in the afternoon after school and drops them off to school the next day, and that is all the time he spends with them. Out of 48 hrs, they see him from 330pm-900am...but to hear him talk he misses them so much, can't wait to see them, etc etc etc...and they get 17 hrs of his time...10 of which they are sleeping.
This weekend is a perfect example. It was his wkend for them, and if he'd done it like normal he would have picked them up about 330-400 on Friday afternoon and I'd have gotten them back at 400 on Sunday. But this weekend there was a retirement party he had to do on Saturday, so his solution was to pick them up after work on Thursday at 700pm and then drop them back off on Saturday at 1030am after Maddi's Girl Scout Investiture Ceremony(which they were late for). They are in bed by 900 so Thursday wasn't much, and at school or care all day friday so it was the same there. So they spent 2 hrs Thur we'll say depending on when they went to sleep, we'll say 8 hrs on Fri just depending on when they woke up and went to sleep, and 2 hrs on Sat with him....12 hrs of time with him...when they should have had well over 20 full waking hours with him.
So why do I feel like a bad mother?? Why am I so sure they love him more than me?? Why do I feel like the bad guy?? I am the first to tell you I'm awesome and amazing and everything cheeky under the sun I can think of, but I don't really believe it, and probly never will.
And to top it off, I have to leave them with him for a week while I go to Texas to fight for my military career, which I'll probly lose.
I thought things were supposed to be getting better, but it doesn't feel like they are.
